Casey Jordan
Professor Miller
2/13/2026
WRT 312
Draft #1
Theme: It’s all about perspective
Tunnel Vision
The hallway felt longer than the week before and classroom chairs were definitely more uncomfortable. There wasn’t comfort found in anything the last couple days except for my bed. This feeling is a new mix of emotions I haven’t dealt with, I don’t know how I’m going to do it for the next couple days. The scariest day of my life is looking at me and there is no way around it.
Why am I letting a game make me feel this dreadful? Surely it can’t be that serious. I’ve been having a hard time understanding why it should ever be taken that seriously. Everyone in this building does though, everyone in this building will be staring at me on Friday night. What this little town in Massachusetts thinks of me will be determined Friday night. I don’t know what they think of me currently, it seems to fluctuate week to week. I know for certain after the superbowl the knot will be tied.
Walking out of those doors and into the parking lot at 2pm was the biggest relief I’ve felt since 2pm the day prior. Hearing the truck door shut was a staple in the fact that I’m with no other thoughts than my own. Without country music coming out my speakers, I might let being alone with my thoughts become a bad thing, luckily the drive home is short, ill be taking the long way though.
The drive through the part of town with old farms and houses always put my thoughts to rest. I slow down to a stop on the side of a thin road just past the tree line. I posture myself towards the acres of open fields and well fed cows. Time moves slower on a farm, that must be the only way that big white barn is still standing. The cows are so content, they seem clueless of what their fate may be. They don’t know if their day is tomorrow, or maybe ever. Maybe they don’t ever think. They are clueless, but also worry free, with no expectations. I think that would be nice for a change. After a few more minutes of procrastination I knocked the truck into drive. I’ve got practice in an hour, but I don’t want to think about it, I don’t want to see Coach.
I walked through the double doors and down the short green hallway, I wish this one was longer. I purposely never look through the glass into his office right next to the locker room door. I decided not to see Coach as much as I can over this season. He’s treated me differently this year ever since I became a starter on his team. I don’t remember the last time I got an “atta boy” from him. I always thought that when I became the quarterback everyone would like me more. That was the whole reason I ever wanted to do it to be honest. I’m still the same person I was before, I always try to be very nice to everyone, but I learned that it doesn’t matter if I don’t play this damn sport well.
Practice went about as it always did, I was getting by alright, but I knew the inevitable mistake was coming. Coach was on an especially high running temper because of the biggest game of his life on Friday. So when the ball left my hand and was too high for my teammates’ reach I had a bad feeling about what was headed my way. I peeked my eyes to the left to see him marching off the sideline, I felt his eyes burning a hole through the side of my helmet. I waited till he got closer to turn and face him. Before I could say anything he reaches his big arm out and grabs my collar with a gnarly expression on his face.
“The biggest game of our lives is tommorow and you’re gonna be the one who fucks it up!”
He holds his position for a few more beats to really let it sink in for the rest of the team. Coach finally loosened his hold on me and I could see my now stretched and wrinkled jersey out of the corner of my eye as I watched him pace away.
“dang”, I chuckled to the teammate on my right.
He looked at me as if he believed what Coach said before turning away.
The thought of a football makes me sick sometimes. What used to represent fun and freedom to my ten year old self has become an object that I would rather avoid. I never thought this game would cause me more harm mentally than physically. I was always sure I could handle becoming a vessel of other people’s expectations. In fact, I know I can handle it, I’m a confident guy I think, I just don’t show it in case it comes off as cocky. But I’ve noticed it gives people more room to push you around. I guess I’d rather be pushed around then act like an ass. Something my younger self would swear to never become is a jerk. I was the kind of kid who always wanted to play sports during recess, but was the cliche “last pick” when I played with the so-called popular kids. They would take me as sort of a joke because I didn’t talk much and was a bit chubby. But even though I was always the last pick, I still played every day, and I had fun. Those kids from recess have become my best friends since the football season started, it came pretty much out of nowhere. I bet they never would have expected to be the ones watching me play every Friday. I feel like I could easily act just as cocky as they always did, but I take pride in not being that way. These days I wish I could go back to the chubby kid, with no expectations, even though I know I accomplished exactly what he wanted. I guess you always want what you can’t have.
After practice it dawned on me that there is only one sleep left before the day that changes everything. I better enjoy this last night, because after tomorrow there is a chance my reputation is ruined. I have a hard time seeing any reality where I don’t freeze up on the field tomorrow. Under the brightest lights, in a stadium built for sixty thousand people. Way more than enough for the whole town to witness unfortunately. The same field that younger me watched my favorite players win championships on. They would probably think I’m a squid.
As my bedroom door clicks shut for the final time tonight I take a breath. It was meant to be a sigh of relief but as I exhale my chest only feels tighter. I could tell it was going to be a long night. A night where being alone with my thoughts might be destructive. I turn on my tv to distract myself and played some country out of my phone speaker a few inches from my head. Nothing could stop the thoughts I was desperately cramming in the back of my mind. I kept imagining Coach standing in front of the crowd. Then the ball being snapped to me, I cant even hold onto it im so nervous. I don’t know how I won’t be more nervous tomorrow, if I’m this scared in my own bed. After I blow the game I imagine the look on Coach’s face. He will probably be so disappointed, he might not even say anything, he’ll just be glad im never in his presence again after the game. Then the whole town showers me with boo’s and says mean things, my friends aren’t going to like me as much either. I’ll be eating lunch in the bathroom for the rest of the year after that. It’s a foregone conclusion that tomorrow is my demise.
After hours of laying on my back and mentally draining myself. My thoughts finally tired me out to the point where I could sleep.
Walking into school the next day felt like a fever dream. I felt like I shouldn’t be there, my mind was certainly elsewhere. Before I reached the door I heard a small voice call my name. I turned to see a small boy approaching me on the sidewalk. He must have belonged to the middle school a few hundred feet away I thought.
“Good luck tonight!” he said enthusiastically
His attitude was contagious and I couldn’t help but smile. I thanked him as I reached for the door. I heard his back pack rustling as he ran back towards the middle school chasing the ringing bell. This was the first time all week that I felt some positive emotions. It was overwhelming as I seem to have forgotten it was an option. As I walked through the hallways I kept my head a little higher than usual. Suddenly the hallways weren’t as cloudy as they seemed. I enjoyed my time walking through and seeing people’s faces clearly. As I got further down I received another couple good luck wishes from people I barely knew. This feeling was a major contrast to what my reality had felt like recently. It was a startling realization that maybe I have more support than I thought. It was certainly the puff of air I needed to keep me from suffocating before the end of the school day. For a few minutes I was genuinely relieved, My mind wasn’t infected by expectations and doubt. This didn’t feel like it was just a distraction like my music or tv, It was a genuine shift in my mind.
I wasn’t cured however. By second period those foreign emotions faded and I went back to what I know best. Seeing a glimpse of Coach walk by my classroom didn’t help either. I didn’t even have to turn my head to see his large figure out of my peripheral vision. Perfectly framed by our vertical classroom window. I know he saw me and probably knew I was pretending not to notice him. The wonder of what he was thinking about me triggered an avalanche of thoughts. I knew I had to give up on school work for the day at this point, but the first one and a half periods were good while they lasted.
The rest of the hours felt like a blur. I must have set a school record for foot tapping and pencil clicking. I bet my classmates were annoyed with me. Thankfully for them, they can go home now, but not me. I’ve got to get on a bus that will drive me to the unknown, and when I get back on the bus after it’s done, I will be seen as a completely different person.
The ride there sounded like my favorite country songs, cued in a thoughtful sequence of what would calm me the most. It looked like the color black with my eyes wide shut. But the smell of exhaust and feeling the vibration of the large bus tires on the highway wouldn’t allow me to fully escape. Each of the four drifts onto the right lane rumble strip grounded me more in this reality. The helmet in the bag being between my legs constantly rubbing against my left leg felt like a symbol that I should start thinking about the game. Before I could arrange any thoughts about football I heard a small squeak followed by a hiss through my headphones. The bus door opened and pulled a swell of fresh cold air in, I would rather stay in the stuffy bus. The gust felt like a force trying to pull me out of my seat, so I followed it to our locker room, which was under what felt like a thousand rows of vertical seats.
As I got ready, I thought about how this would be the last time I would be able to hide myself in this uniform. The real version of me will be all I have to show from now on. A version that will be changed forever when I take these pads off. The team headed for the locker room door and once again I followed them, this time to the tunnel.
My hands wouldn’t stop shaking as I clicked the final helmet buckle. My mind swirled with moments of what this would mean to my younger self. However, this present moment felt like the weight of an entire town on my shoulders. As I walked closer to the entrance of the tunnel I confirmed my suspicions. The noise of the crowd bled through the walls and into my consciousness. Still wrestling with the thought that there are thousands of people here that are about to remember me for these next sixty minutes only. The moment finally being here activated heart thumping stress that has never had the chance to show itself.
Then came the inevitable moment of starting my jog through the tunnel. With each step the view of the field grew bigger and the people appeared louder. Once I took that final step and there was no longer any vision of the tunnel, the feelings of awe and amazement consumed me. My feet transitioned from concrete to soft grass and I could see and hear this place so clearly. I felt alive. The Feelings of being a kid and living out my biggest dream were at the front of my mind. I remembered being ten years old and sitting in the same seats I was looking up at, now I’m the one on this field. I’ve never felt more pride, I knew this is where I was meant to be. It was pure bliss. Any signs of stress were blocked from entering my brain, this is the best I have ever felt. For once I was able to soak up reality and not let my thoughts turn into thinking. I wasn’t thinking at all, I was just living.
